It was a busy Saturday. I knew the Thursday before that there was going to be no room for anything else in my schedule. The day started with an 8am doctor appointment, followed by drum lessons, watching a football game, and spending the afternoon helping my son with his English assignment. I knew all this going into the weekend; it was planned out perfectly in my head, down to the fact that I had a brief window at 11am to prepare dinner.

Saturday came, and it lived true to my expectations. I was moving from the moment I got out of bed, hopping from one task to the next. I was ready for this day; what I wasn't prepared for is how it made me feel.

7pm came. The appointments were done, the essay was written, the family was fed, and the kitchen cleaned up. I should have felt accomplished, and yet I felt empty.

I stepped outside to take a minute for myself, and the tears began to flow. Why? Exhaustion. I had worked hard. This pain was deeper, though.

As I pondered my tears, I...

“Eleutheria.”

That's the transliteration of the Greek word for “freedom”, used in the FINDINGbalance key verse Galatians 5:1, which says "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” (ESV) In context, this verse is actually about whether we should be living under the Mosaic law and thereby be saved by it (impossible!), or whether we should be saved by Christ and see Him as the fulfillment of the law.

There are so many implications of the freedom talked about in this verse; the point of freedom is not just about what we are saved from. It is about what we are set free for.

We are set free to live for Christ; to live the life He calls each of us to.

Before discussing this freedom, I want to share an anecdotal thought. It seems to me that different people can be prone to having insecurities about specific parts of their bodies. For me, I can find myself struggling with my thighs. Some...

Am I going nuts?

Am I losing my mind?

Why doesn't anyone understand what I’m talking about?

There’s a war going on in my head, and everyone smiles and says, “That’s normal.”

What’s going on here?!

These were the questions that ran through my head daily. I felt so misunderstood, so alone and ashamed of my struggles. Nobody in my world felt the intensity of my struggle. I knew I wasn’t okay and just wished I could go into hiding.

Then a friend introduced me to FINDINGbalance, their Lasting Freedom course, and their prayer groups. I viewed the Lasting Freedom course, and for the first time, people put words to the war inside my head; better yet, they spoke about it with HOPE! They had been where I was and there was a way out! 

In the prayer group, I was nervous to speak about my struggle because these were live people. What would they think of me? To my surprise, they were nodding in agreement as I spoke, and saying “Me,...

I remember well the back-to-school mix of emotions that would fall upon me as summer wound down; I remember the anxiety of seeing people for the first time in months, feeling dread in having to abandon the summer routines I had created for myself, and the discouragement that my summer hadn’t panned out in the perfect way social media portrayed others. 

One summer that sticks out is the one before my senior year of college. I had spent the majority of that summer working hard at recovery and I spent some time in a partial hospitalization program after having already taken off a semester for residential treatment.

In my bubble of that "safe" and recovery-focused world, I felt good. I was proud of the progress I had made and I was excited for the school year to come…until I stepped back on campus. At my dorm, I was greeted with silent reminders that my break hadn’t looked like others'. I was faced with the challenges of living in recovery while...

Just like seasons in nature, there are seasons in life. Sometimes seasons offer safety and predictability, and sometimes they can completely catch us off-guard. The freak snow in April and the hot December day come unexpectedly and disrupt the norm. The same is true in our lives. In my case, it's a prolonged illness that's morphed this summer into something I was not expecting. My visions of day trips with my kids have become hours of watching movies and playing video games. Thoughts of joyfully moving throughout my day have turned into afternoon naps on the couch. It’s not what I wanted for this summer, and that’s difficult. 

In addition to my plans changing, my body has changed too; the lack of movement and the change in my diet have made a difference in how my clothes fit and how I feel in my body. This is more difficult. There was a time a few years ago that this would have set me into a panic. The feeling of being out of control would have consumed me....

It was the first night of 6th grade science camp. All through elementary school, I looked forward to this week away from home; it meant I was a big kid, and adventure, and meeting new people from other schools in the county.

Although it was decades ago, I still remember the initial feeling of exhilaration as I walked into the mess hall for dinner wearing my favorite clothes- a pale blue short-sleeved sweater with tiny flowers on it, green corduroy pants, and suede saddle shoes (brown tones, not the black & white version). I sat down at a table for 8. I can’t remember if I sat at this table because it was assigned or if, because I was late, it was the only one with an empty seat, but every face sitting there was new to me.

As I took a seat, one of the boys asked, “Are you a boy or a girl?” I remember laughing it off; I thought my short hair was the height of femininity, I mean, couldn’t they tell by my pretty floral sweater that I was a girl?!

...

On the journey to recovery, we face hills and valleys, setbacks and victories, lessons and testimonies. I found it helpful to start by asking Jesus to help me see my false beliefs about food, my body, myself, and God, and replace them with His Truth. While that unraveling process continues today, I became freer with each lie He exposed. After a couple of years, Jesus placed people in my life that helped me learn how to nourish my body and pair foods in ways that brought me happiness, helped me stay fueled, and made me feel better physically and mentally.

Eventually, the day came when I desired to be more intentional to move my body with joy. Almost daily, I found myself lost in thoughts of what that might look like. Sometimes I felt excited and ready to start a gym membership, yet other times I imagined horrific scenes of people staring at me, talking about me, giving disapproving looks, and calling me out for any number of reasons I didn't belong at the gym. I...

”…fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.“ -Hebrews 12:2 NASB 1995

I recall when I was in the throes of an eating disorder, and was daily living in a shame cycle. Shame that was so heavy I couldn’t bear to look my Friend, Jesus, in the eyes.

Until one day, my counselor gave me the advice to invite Jesus into the pit with me. The next night, with an ounce of courage, armed with the faith given to me by my Savior Jesus Christ, I extended an invitation to Him. I said, “Jesus, I'm tired. I can’t stop these behaviors. I don’t want to feel this way anymore, so I invite You to sit with me.” 

Even after this invitation, I didn’t change my behaviors that night. However, I did envision my Friend Jesus sitting with me, and from then on, I was no longer alone. I continued to fix my...

Summer is upon us, and with it comes a whole slurry of emotions; the excitement and energy of more free time mixed with anxiety and uncertainty of schedule changes. Right in the middle of that is the reality that seasonal changes also mean wardrobe changes. For those of us struggling with body image issues, this brings a whole separate set of emotions as well.

Yesterday, I took the plunge and dug out my summer clothes. As I looked through each item in the box, I remembered when I last wore it and how it made me feel. Some items were from last year but there were also several that I hadn’t worn in years and still kept, "just in case someday I fit in this again.” Not anymore! I was tired of waiting and hoping. The dream of the “one day body" was keeping me from enjoying my “today body". I was over it, so I bagged up all the clothes that no longer fit me.

Even with this new resolution in my spirit, the lies that bombarded my heart were...

One of my go-to coping mechanisms is rules. As my daughter has been in recovery, I’ve learned all about food rules and how many I still follow, despite my own “recovery” years ago at age 14. 

Even though I’ve come a long way with food rules, as I was doing my devotions the other day, I was struck by something else. My brain made a connection, and it said to me, “WAIT A MINUTE. I’ve seen this pattern before and it didn’t have to do with food. Where else are there unnecessary rules in my life?” 

And I thought about when I first got married; how obsessed I was with making our small basement apartment neat and tidy. One of the habits I tried to develop was to finish every little bit of laundry (even ironing napkins!) EVERY WEEK. I felt I had to keep up the ritual of being tidy so I could consider myself a competent wife (I have a lifelong habit of being messy). I wanted to erase my feeling of inadequacy by turning over a...