Glimpses of Grace

Walking toward recovery can be hard on the heart. On the outside, I appeared just like everyone else, going through my day without a second thought. On the inside, it was a completely different story; there was a war being fought- I’m dodging lies, taking thoughts captive, praying, confessing, fighting shame, clinging to truth, and fighting just to stand up and smile. It was exhausting- mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It was challenging work, and each day was more of the same. It can be hard on a heart.

But God, in compassion, never leaves us to walk in the darkness alone.

He was there, fighting right beside me, fighting for me. Every once in a while, He would give me a glimpse of His grace, a tiny peek into what food freedom felt like. It was just enough for me to pick up my battered heart and fight one more day.

I want to share that story, in case you, like me, need the courage to take one more step and fight one more lie.

It was a day just like any other day. I had plans to meet a friend for lunch, we had not seen each other for a while, and I couldn’t wait to catch up with her. From the moment we sat together at the table, the conversation just flowed. It kept flowing right until the waiter came to take our order. I hadn’t even looked at the menu, and now there was no time to analyze the food choices. Ordinarily, this would have caused immediate panic, but I was having too much fun talking.

Without thinking, I said, “I’ll have what she’s having.”

WHAT?!

Then the food came. I hadn’t ordered anything on the side, and it was all mixed together. And I was so busy being interested in my friend and her life to care. I just ate.

Friends, it tasted so good. I enjoyed it.

Let me say that again... I ate the food I ordered and enjoyed it: the meal, the conversation, and the friendship. It all blended seamlessly to paint for me a beautiful picture of freedom.

I left that meal thinking, “Wow! This must be what freedom feels like! That was so fun.” There was a lightness in my heart and a spring in my step that I had not known before. And there was something else new in my spirit as well, a little spark called “determination”.

I wish I could say that from then on, things were different. But that wasn’t the case. However, it WAS a new beginning. The memories of that day would give me the courage to fight the lies and the shame just one more time. I would close my eyes and picture that day in the restaurant and smile, then I would prepare for battle.

In His grace, God gave me a glimpse of all He wants for me, and it was nothing like I had ever known. It was so so sweet!

That is what the Promised Land looks like, my friends. It flows with milk and honey and so much more. Yes, there are giants in the land and, yes, there are hard battles to be fought along the way. But YES, the victory is ours! The hardship along the way will pale in comparison when you see what your Father has in store for you!

Joshua and Caleb said to all the people of Israel, “The land we traveled through and explored is a wonderful land! And if the Lord is pleased with us, He will bring us safely into that land and give it to us. It is a rich land flowing with milk and honey. Do not rebel against the Lord, and do not be afraid of the people of the land. They are only helpless prey to us! They have no protection, but the Lord is with us! Do not be afraid of them!” -Numbers 14:7-9.

- Tammy Boyd

FINDINGbalance Prayer Group Coordinator & Group Leader. Mom of Boys. Family Chauffeur. Lover of Laughter. Community Creator. Freedom Chaser. Overcomer.

FINDINGbalance is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization providing non-clinical support and encouragement to those battling food issues. The contents of this blog article, including any attachments, are for educational purposes only and are not intended to diagnose, treat, or prescribe a particular course of action. If you or someone you care about is battling an eating disorder, please seek care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis and need immediate support, please call, text, or chat 988 to speak with someone at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.