Practicing Freedom
“Are you feeling okay?” my husband curiously asked after I told the server my order. “That’s something you don’t typically order?” “I know,” I said with quiet confidence. “I just felt like eating something different this time.”
This was a brief exchange I had on a recent date with my husband in a “new to us” restaurant.
Over 30 years ago, my struggle with an eating disorder began. I learned early on in my battle that most restaurants had “safe-for-me-to-eat” items I could order, which meant I could eat out with anyone, anywhere. I could usually find something on the menu that met the requirements to satisfy my strict eating disorder rules and keep the guilt-ridden internal accusations at bay.
My eating disorder began during my sophomore year of high school in 1993. When I married my husband in 2005, I had certainly made headway in my recovery from my eating disorder, but I was by no means free from diet culture lies. My husband had only known me to order the same 3-4 items off a menu every time we went out to eat (and we have been married for almost 20 years now). He has joked with me about my limited menu choices from time to time, but thankfully, he does not get easily frustrated with me.
So, on this particular date, when I ordered something that was so completely out of character, he definitely took notice! Inside, I was beaming with joy. Not only had my husband noticed the difference, but instead of listening to ED and his cruel rules about food, I told him, “No! Tonight, I am getting something that sounds good to me. Not something that you say is okay.”
When our meals arrived at the table, I must be honest, one of the items I got was not exactly as I pictured it would look. I was a little disappointed. But I was hungry, and I knew I could eat it and be okay, even if it was not exactly what I was expecting. The other item on my plate looked amazing, and I genuinely enjoyed every single last bite.
In total, my husband and I spent about 1 minute talking about my meal selection, and an hour talking about all sorts of other things that had nothing to do with food, diet, or body size. I was able to enjoy my meal and keep my mind focused on the content of our conversation, not the content of what was, or was no longer, on my plate. The only time I spent thinking about food that night was how much I enjoyed eating something different. It was a small victory on my road to lasting change.
As time goes by, I am coming to believe that, for me, it is not just one choice, one prayer, one sermon, one book, one medical appointment, one scripture, one podcast, one blog, one encounter with a friend, etc. that will bring the lasting freedom I crave, but rather it comes from a steady practice of all these things over time, which in turn make the voice of diet culture lies grow weaker and the voice of Christ’s truths grow stronger and steadier.
I think Paul summed this up so well when he spoke to the holy people in Christ Jesus at Philippi, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do; Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 3: 12-17 (NIV)
- Jill Palmer
FINDINGbalance Prayer Group Leader. Passionate Seeker of Jesus. Wife to a Retired Navy Officer and Current Sports Management Professional. Mom to Four Soccer-Loving Boys and Two Gymnastics & Dance-Loving Girls. Family Taxi Cab Driver. Craver of Soulful Conversations with Good Friends. Overcomer.
