Lessons From the Grey
If someone had asked me 5 years ago if I would be writing something like this, I would have answered a big "No way!" I never dreamed this would be a part of my life, or my family’s life yet here I am. I’m wondering if any of you reading can relate to that thought as well. So, before I get going just FYI, I am not a writer, but I absolutely love to talk to people, so I am going to imagine that we’re getting together for a coffee or standing around in my kitchen because you know that’s where the conversations happen!
My young adult daughter is currently in recovery from an eating disorder. One that she suffered and struggled with alone for 5 years before a diagnosis, which looking back all the signs were there. The medical community failed her repeatedly. She had multiple injuries as a distance runner that they just could not figure out. When I told her primary care doctor that I thought she had an eating disorder, he told me no she does not, she is just doing too much. What?!!! Looking back, I cannot imagine what that made my daughter feel like! She was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder while she was at college when the campus medical staff called and told me to get her home ASAP. Did I mention she was at college 1,000 miles away from home and 2 weeks from finishing her freshman year?! I went into full “mom mode,” you know when your child needs something and you will figure out a way to get that done. And that is what she needed then but as she stabilized, she needed something different, something that was not as black and white but grey. Grey?! I do not know how to do grey! I so wanted to “fix” this for her, but I could not, so I started looking for resources that could help me to charter this unfamiliar territory.
I was very much a “doer.” Tell me what to do to help my daughter and I will do it, give me a checklist please! The thing is there is no checklist for this! So, I have had to learn more how to “be.” I have had to sit in the thought that my parent coach enlightened me on that we are human “beings” not human “doings.” Ugh, I could thrive as a human “doing” yet that is not what my daughter needed. I’ve had to work on myself, look at my flaws, ask God to show me my flaws, ask for feedback from others (even if it’s not what I want to hear) and prepare my heart to receive it and allow Him to mold me in His image. I do not know about you, but I am sometimes scared to pray for something because I do not know what that is going to look like in my life. It is like I am praying with my hands over my eyes peeking through a couple fingers as I ask.
So, as I write this and we are coming up on 4 years since that phone call, I have learned that I could have done better to make sure my daughter knew how loved she is by me and as a beloved daughter of God, no matter what. I have learned I could have been a better listener, oh let us be real I could have just listened and made her feel like she is heard and that all her feelings make perfect sense! And I could have just been there, just “be” with her. I would have set an example of loving my body wherever it is on the journey. I would have shut down my own negative self-talk. I was so good at this that if it was a fruit of the Spirit I would have been rockin' it! I would love to be the perfect mom, but I have had to learn there is no such thing, but I sure was trying. Here's the thing, despite my failures, she is amazing and is quite the overcomer and her light shines so bright no matter where she is!
I am so appreciative of all the support that God has sent my way. I can look back and see all the “coincidences” that I cannot help but smile and think His hand was in it. One of my favorite verses right now is.
“Resist him (the devil), standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.” - 1 Peter 5:9 (NIV)
I am not alone in this! One of the things that fills me up is the Loved Ones Prayer Group at FINDINGbalance. It fulfills a need I did not know I had of spiritual connection with other women who get it. We laugh together, cry together, pray together, and lighten each other’s loads just knowing that others are willing to hold our pain.
So here I am learning. Learning I’m never going to be perfect (but man I still want to be!) and trying to let that go, learning to have grace for myself and hoping others will have grace for me, learning to be in the grey instead of the black and white, learning this is on God’s timeline not mine and learning I still have so much yet to learn!
-Deb
Mom. Dog Lover. Recovering Perfectionist. Overcomer
FINDINGbalance is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization providing non-clinical support and encouragement to those battling food issues. The contents of this blog article, including any attachments, are for educational purposes only and are not intended to diagnose, treat, or prescribe a particular course of action. If you or someone you care about is battling an eating disorder, please seek care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis and need immediate support, please call, text, or chat 988 to speak with someone at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7.
