My Secret Struggle
Can you imagine that I began my food freedom journey only 1 year ago and I am 70 years old! (It started when I was in grammar school). Talk about carrying a lot of baggage, my bags were very full! I never discussed this with ANYONE (not friend, family, or counselor), I truly lived in a cage with my disordered eating, body image problems, and people pleasing personality.
You would never guess my issues as I am very happily married to a wonderful man for 49 years, have four wonderful sons and four beautiful grandchildren with one new grandbaby on the way – all who bring me nothing but joy. I had a very successful Nursing career for 45 years and I retired 3 years ago. I have always been a faithful Catholic and Christian woman and participated in many ministries at my church. Like I said, no one would ever know my secret. And to be honest with you I really felt like this was all normal because it's really all I ever knew. I felt very safe in my own cage, but I really wasn’t free at all.
My battle was totally in my mind, unknown to anyone for many, many decades. I was so comfortable with this disordered thinking that the thought of changing anything was way too much trouble and frightening for me. Looking back there were seasons of stress in my life that triggered my disordered eating and body image issues. When I was dating and eventually married my husband whom my parents weren’t too keen on, when I was starting a new job and needed to prove my ability, when I was struggling with teenage children, these are all examples of stresses that sent me on a self-centered journey. Lasting Freedom was the key that opened the door to the cage I was in, and God put this community in my lap (or on my computer) at the age of seventy!!! Wow, did He have such an unbelievable plan for me, and I realized He never gives up on any one of us.
FINDINGbalance showed me many things about myself that I never knew. I used to feel so much more secure when I thought that I was in control (and controlling my eating really calmed my anxiety). I tried praying to the Lord, but honestly, I just could not trust that He could get the job done as well as me or on my timeline! I learned that my ED journey and body image obsession was a form of idolatry. That was a tough revelation for me to swallow, after all I was a good Christian woman who was faithful and active in my church. I learned to dig deep into what was behind my eating issues, I realized that food was a symptom of deeper issues and emotions I was afraid to confront and unpack from a long, long time ago.
I am currently taking the Lasting Freedom online course that spans seven different modules (each module is 6 weeks long). I meet with a faith-based community of women each week who share the same struggles with me, and we unpack the content of what we are battling with. I am eternally grateful for this Lasting Freedom course and this community of women who have saved me from the self-centered life I was living, a prisoner in my own mind. I finally found a place where I could truly be open and talk with other women who understood my issues. The Lord always wants us to be in community and I feel so safe in the Lasting Freedom community.
I know my battle has many, many layers, but I am truly starting to see freedom. I have been journaling every morning for a year now and I go to the Word each morning for meaning and direction for my day. I am truly seeing that the Lord has a purpose for me in this life, a purpose that is much more important than being caught up in myself or my appearance. I am here for a reason, my life truly matters, and I have a purpose to shine His glory on all those I encounter. I know now that I cannot do that if I am wrapped up in myself or how I look or what I eat.
Believe me when I say that every day is a challenge. Just yesterday I weighed myself and felt my stomach looked big and bloated and I thought about skipping dinner to try to “fix” everything. But today is a new day, and I know His mercies are new every morning (Lam 3:23).
God has truly blessed me with the FINDINGbalance community, a place where I feel safe and understood and with other women who are struggling just as I struggle. I am so grateful that with the Lord’s help, I continue to heal. It is a beautiful world, and I am so blessed to be a part of it and hopefully I can make a difference.
- Diane.
Christian. Wife. Mom. Grandma. Lover of Food and Cooking. Walker. Reader. Baseball Fan. Chronic List Maker. Chronic People Pleaser. Overcomer.
*To learn more about the Lasting Freedom course that Diane referenced, click here.
