“Mom, I think I have an eating disorder.”

My daughter knew that I had struggled with an ED as a teen, and she was coming to me for help. I was glad that she told me, yet this hit me hard.

At fourteen, I’d spent nine months of my life in a residential treatment facility behind a door that swung shut and locked when we entered (terrifying!) Hearing that my girl was struggling felt like she was implying that I'd been doing something wrong; maybe she had gotten a message from me that her body needed to be different.

I felt embarrassed and ashamed because I thought I had done a good job of “getting over” my ED; I thought I was setting a good example of how to be “healthy.”

Now I was confused and anxious.

I found a therapist and a dietician for my daughter, and before long, the therapist told us that she'd need an intensive treatment program (partial hospitalization PHP). I fought this tooth & nail; anything to keep her in school for...

My recovery journey started in early 2004 when I met Constance Rhodes, founder of FINDINGbalance, at a public speaking event. Through her talk, I learned that my eating and body image issues didn’t have to be any worse in order to be valid and worthy of getting help. A year or two later, she asked a question that truly stumped me: "What would occupy your thoughts if you didn't think about food (or body image)?" 

Well, 18-ish years later, I’m excited to report I have an answer! Here it goes… these are some of the things that occupy my thoughts:

•  Procuring coffee with my favorite creamer;
•  When/if I can fit in a nap;
•  Work stuff, time management, and managing my energy;
•  Memories of past events, whether trauma, shame, grief, loss, etc., and then releasing that to Jesus; 
•  Who I can connect with today;
•  What snarky, funny memes do I want to send, and to whom;
•  Plans for the weekend- whether I need to rest, do...

This journey of recovery is full of hills and valleys. It's one step forward and two steps back repeatedly. In this emotional roller coaster where we long to be free, it's so easy to lose sight of our progress. Last night was hard…the last couple of months were hard. Some days I wondered if I had fallen all the way back to the beginning of this journey. Reality is that I can’t go back to “square one”. I am a different person than the one who started this journey; I feel more, I give myself more grace, I listen to my body more, and I am equipped with the truth. Yet I still grow weary and that’s why it’s important to acknowledge the victories.

Today was one those victories. I was at Costco and my favorite yogurt-covered pretzels were on sale (mmm...sweet and salty together). These pretzels only come out once a year. Last year’s version of myself would see them and say "Resist. It is only one month. You can do it", or she would...