The Freedom of Surrender
In preparation for writing this post, I pulled out old journals from the time when I struggled with food and body image issues the most. The war that was waging in my mind was so evident on those pages. I desperately wanted to be free, but I was stuck in a cycle of thinking and behaviors that had me trapped.
In those pages, I routinely pleaded with God to heal me and take away my struggles. One entry from March of 2010 says “What is going on with me? Why do I binge eat? What am I trying to feel? I hate doing this. I so desperately want to change. God, I need Your help. I can’t change without You. Even though my faith is weak, please help me. I don’t want my life to revolve around food.”
At the time that I was writing those words, I was a new mom of 18-month-old twin boys, and I had a loving and supportive husband so practically speaking, life was good. Yet my mind was consumed with my weight and how much I ate and how much I exercised. Those journal pages would continue to be filled with my pleadings with God. One page contained my “food plan to honor God.” This was a common occurrence. I was routinely trying to come up with a new plan whereby I would follow a list of food rules or behavior modifications so that I could "honor God" and "avoid the trap of sin." A plan isn’t necessarily a bad thing but the part that I was missing in all of this pertains to everyone’s favorite word--SURRENDER.
In all my pleadings, what I really wanted was for God to take away the disordered behaviors that I had around food while I still got to keep a firm grip on the weight that I wanted to maintain.
In Matthew 16:24-25 Jesus says “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” (NLT)
In this verse lies the piece that I couldn’t do until ten years later. I had to give up on my own way. I had to surrender my weight and redefine my identity based on who Christ says that I am and not based on what a number on a scale says or by what culture defines as ideal.
It was in 2020 that I found FINDINGbalance. I participated in their Lasting Freedom curriculum which opened my eyes to what real freedom in Christ looks like. I was able to share my struggles within a community of women who understood the wrestle in my mind, and they could support and encourage me as I made next steps towards freedom. There is power in inviting people into the places of our lives that we like to keep in the shadows. The Bible makes it one and a half chapters in before we see that God desires us to live life in community and fellowship with others. God created Adam but knew that Adam needed a helper and created Eve. It was in the context of community and vulnerability that my shackles of food restrictions and plans and weight were surrendered.
Romans 12:2 talks about how we are to allow God to transform us by changing the way that we think. Back in 2010, it seemed impossible that my mind could be free of the anxious thoughts and constant noise that swirled around in my brain, but through the miraculous grace of God, it is possible for our minds to be renewed and for new patterns to emerge. If you are reading this from a place of “not yet” where you are working out your journey towards freedom, just know that you are seen by God, you are accepted by God, you are loved by God, and you are worthy in God’s eyes. Hold on to the promise that “All things are possible through Christ who gives us strength" -Philippians 4:13 (NLT)
The funny thing about freedom is that as we gain freedom in one area, often time Christ reveals a new area where we get to peel back the onion and pursue greater sanctification and renewal. That has definitely been my experience. This life with Christ is a journey where there is always a next step. Let us be encouraged to “run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfector of faith" Hebrews 12:2 (NLT).
-Diana
Book Reader. Podcast Listener. Lover of Adventure. Pursuer of Christ. Overcomer.
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FINDINGbalance is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization providing non-clinical support and encouragement to those battling food issues. The contents of this blog article, including any attachments, are for educational purposes only and are not intended to diagnose, treat, or prescribe a particular course of action. If you or someone you care about is battling an eating disorder, please seek care from a licensed professional. If you are in crisis and need immediate support, please call, text, or chat 988 to speak with someone at the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, 24/7
