Reflections
In 2011, at a FINDINGbalance event in Colorado, my wife went to be filled with God’s truth; I went there to fly fish. Late one night, as we shared about our day apart, my wife opened up about her struggles with battling an eating disorder, disordered eating, and over-exercising since the age of 18. I had been clueless; I saw no red flags.
While that night was hard for both of us, I believe it was the first and most critical step of my wife's healing journey; that conversation gave me permission to check in with her to see how she was doing with food. Simple questions of how she was feeling and how I could help or what I could do. This shared struggle has led to deeper, more meaningful conversations throughout our 40-year marriage.
It also opened my eyes to be more observant of tell-tale signs that she might be struggling; stepping on the scale, body-checking in mirrors, asking for my opinion of how she looked, or skipping meals (I’m the chef in the family, so this one I notice). I’m pleased that these behaviors have ended since she’s recovered, yet my awareness remains.
And that’s why, during the holiday break, my attention was drawn to a group of girls, probably 13 years old, who were at my gym. I watched as they posed, pinching what little body fat they had around their waist, manipulating their cheeks and lips in the mirror. I reflected on my wife’s struggles and then on my own fitness “journey”. Notice I didn’t say “love affair”; I’ve never really enjoyed “working out”, but it seems like I have never not worked out.
I was raised in the California Bay Area in the 1970s. My neighborhood was a new one, and it was our playground. There were plenty of orchards and creeks to explore, and lots of kids living on our street. We were active, always on the move: long bike rides to the local lake, football, baseball, wiffle ball, and kick the can (look it up). Then there was wrestling.
Wrestling is a full-contact sport, where physical conditioning is critical to your success. It’s also one where fighting at your lowest weight is optimal, and that’s why I still remember what I weighed each of my four years in high school. Looking back, there were many behaviors I used to keep my weight down, which I now know were less than optimal for a growing teen.
A career in Law Enforcement took my fitness journey in a new direction, one that remained consistent for almost 30 years. Working out became a necessity to survive the rigors of such a physically demanding and stress-filled occupation.
Today, at age 64, I’m still in the gym 3 days a week. Now, it's all about having the stamina, strength, flexibility, and balance to care for my home: to move three cubic yards of gravel in 5-gallon buckets down a steep incline for landscaping, staying healthy for my family, and being fit enough to spend one more day on the river fly fishing with my buddies. My physical activity is intentional and functional.
Although I'm surrounded by mirrors at the gym, my image in them is not my goal. But that particular day, my attention was drawn back to those girls, and I can’t help but ask myself, “What will their fitness journeys look like?” The answer scares me because I know what my wife’s story was.
If you're struggling, find a trusted person to open up to; join a group or online community. You do not have to do recovery alone!
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." -Romans 12:2
-Mark Schaller
FINDINGbalance Guest Blogger. Avid Fly Fisherman. Proud Father, and a Husband of an Overcomer.
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